Here are the Equations for Week 7
Cheating during games + Cheating on his wife + Snubbing former employees + Treating the media like shit + Running up the score every week = The epitome of class, Mr. Bill Belichick
Randy Moss + Double Coverage = Two TDs...I mean, seriously, that second one was incredible
The Miami Dolphins + Their play the first 7 weeks of the season = Deportation to England...wait, that was planned!?! The English actually have to pay money to see these guys play?!?! Oh well, it makes up for us getting David "my pussy hurts" Beckham. All in all, a fair trade.
Tom Coughlin + His stupid ass face = Deportation to England...wait, that was planned, too!?! AND THEY'RE GOING TO LET HIM BACK IN THE COUNTRY?!?! No wonder the terrorists are winning, we can't control our borders!
Tom Coughlin + His coaching + The Giants record = NFL Math hating to be wrong
Sack + Sack + Sack + Sack + Sack = The Giants D Line...they get after it, and NFL Math is impressed!
A guy dressed like one of the Village People raping a guy dressed like Jesus in a church while Michael Jackson and 50 young boys kill puppies = A sight less offensive than the 49ers and Rams Offenses
A Paper towel + A baby bunny rabbit + David Beckham = Things tougher than Shaun Alexander...and what does that tell you about the Rams since they lost to his team by 27 points
The Warren Commission Report on the assassination of JFK + The US rationale for going to war in Iraq + Cigarette companies saying nicotine is not addictive + The Baltimore Ravens being considered a good team = The Biggest Frauds in American History
Reggie Bush + Toughness = A Surprise
The Saints + A second straight win = A bigger Surprise
The Falcons + The players and fans not literally murdering that cunt Petrino yet = The biggest surprise
Being named Bobby Petrino = Being a Cunt
Kurt Warner + Another Injury + 2 INTS + Another Loss = God moving on to someone else
John Kitna + 16 of 20 + Another win = And that someone else is John Kitna
Redskins + Their offense = No chance against The Cheaters
Titans vs. Texans + Steelers vs. Broncos = The only decent games last weekend...what a depressing pile of shit we had to sit through
Bourbon + The Kentucky Derby + Muhammad Ali + Rob Bironas (The guy who kicked 8 FGs including the game winner for the Titans) + The writer of NFL Math = Proof that everything from Louisville is awesome
Bobby Petrino = Proof that everything that abandons Louisville is a cunt
Voodoo + A pact with Satan + slipping ruffies into the other team's pregame meals = Possible explanations on how the shitty KC Chiefs keep winning
Letdown + Licking wounds = Cowboys performance last weekend against the Vikings
Adrian Peterson + Only 12 rushing attempts + Asking Tarvaris Jackson to win the game = Does Petrino coach the Vikings? Childress is a fucking moron!!
Peterson right + Peterson left + Peterson up the middle + screen pass to Peterson + pass to Peterson in the flat = The only plays I would ever call with this Vikings team. SERIOUSLY, CHILDRESS IS A FUCKING MORON!!!!!
Denver + A win + A decent performance against a pretty good team = A sneaking suspicion that a few Rockies players suited up for the Broncos during their 3 month layoff between MLB playoff series to stay sharp...That's the only explanation for this win
Shit + Crap = The Eagles vs. The Bears
Diarrhea + A bloody stool sample = The Jets vs. The Bengals
AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WEEK
Toughness + Efficiency + Consistency + Confidence = The defending Superbowl Champion Colts
Newton + John + Reggie + Fountains of = Kick Ass Waynes
Global Warming after Gore got on his soap box + Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" + The Colts after they kicked the shit out of a good Jacksonville team = Things that won't be ignored anymore
Patriots + Colts = Seriously, Does any other team in the NFL even have a chance of winning the Superbowl?
LOOK AT IT
Dungy + Belichick = The only coaches in the game today who don't out-think themselves...except for Jeff Fisher most weeks
Manning + Brady = The only QBs who can actually play...because
The Patriots O Line + The Colts O line = The only units that actually give their QBs time to throw
The Colts skill players + The Patriots skill players = The only ones without any holes in their lineups
TWO WEEKS TILL THE SHOWDOWN!!! Till Next Time
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
NFL Math - Week 6
Here are the equations
The Colts + The Steelers = The only teams that have a chance against the Cheaters
TO + his post game comments saying the Patriots weren't the best team = delusion
Wade Phillips + Decision to always rush 5 people at Brady and the best O line in football right now leaving his fucking shitty secondary one on one with those receivers = DELUSION (in caps cause it is that stupid!)
Pasadena streets after all those horses pass during the Rose Parade + A cow pasture + A newborn baby's diaper = The only thing shittier than the Rams
The Saints + Reggie Bush + his performance on Sunday night + a win = False hope
The Seahawks + Shaun Alexander + his performance on Sunday night + a loss = Real despair
Sucking a cock + planning to kill himself + crying himself to sleep + collecting unemployment = Things Bobby Petrino should be doing other than coaching an NFL team
Aliens landing in my bedroom + If I ever got to have sex with Charlize Theron + The Patriots NOT winning the Superbowl = The only things that would amaze me more than the fact that the Chiefs keep winning with that personnel
Sucking + Sucking + Sucking + Sucking = The Cincinnati Bengals
Running + efficient QB play + Tough ass defense + a dick head for a coach = The Jacksonville Jaguars (This team scares the crap out of me as a Colts fan. Monday night could be tough)
Why? + Why? + Why? + Why? = Seriously, it is the same fucking song every week, but WHY DO YOU KICK THE BALL TO HESTER!!!
Moves + Power + Speed - Durability = The newest star in the NFL, Adrian Peterson (This guy kicks ass!!)
No QB + a guy who looks like a molester as their coach = Why the Vikings will suck even with Peterson
TD + TD + TD + TD = Par for the course for LT vs. the Raiders
Sleeping Beauty + Snow White + A hibernating bear = Things that have awoken from their slumber like the Giants and Chargers
Coughlin coaching + Norv Turner coaching = Another guaranteed sleeping pill later on this season
Smoke + Mirrors + great corners = How Green Bay keeps winning
Running water + the light bulb + the airplane + the wheel = Things that weren't yet invented when Vinnie Testaverde started in the NFL
I mean seriously...
Tennessee + Tampa = zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..sorry, I just finally woke up from that piece of shit game
Not hiring Britney Spears as a baby sitter + not giving your credit card number to a Nigerian + benching Chad Pennington = No Brainers (unless you are the Mangenius apparently...I fear for his family)
Just crappy enough = The Philadelphia Eagles
Check back after the Monday Night game
Till next week
PS. FUCK THE CHEATERS!!!
The Colts + The Steelers = The only teams that have a chance against the Cheaters
TO + his post game comments saying the Patriots weren't the best team = delusion
Wade Phillips + Decision to always rush 5 people at Brady and the best O line in football right now leaving his fucking shitty secondary one on one with those receivers = DELUSION (in caps cause it is that stupid!)
Pasadena streets after all those horses pass during the Rose Parade + A cow pasture + A newborn baby's diaper = The only thing shittier than the Rams
The Saints + Reggie Bush + his performance on Sunday night + a win = False hope
The Seahawks + Shaun Alexander + his performance on Sunday night + a loss = Real despair
Sucking a cock + planning to kill himself + crying himself to sleep + collecting unemployment = Things Bobby Petrino should be doing other than coaching an NFL team
Aliens landing in my bedroom + If I ever got to have sex with Charlize Theron + The Patriots NOT winning the Superbowl = The only things that would amaze me more than the fact that the Chiefs keep winning with that personnel
Sucking + Sucking + Sucking + Sucking = The Cincinnati Bengals
Running + efficient QB play + Tough ass defense + a dick head for a coach = The Jacksonville Jaguars (This team scares the crap out of me as a Colts fan. Monday night could be tough)
Why? + Why? + Why? + Why? = Seriously, it is the same fucking song every week, but WHY DO YOU KICK THE BALL TO HESTER!!!
Moves + Power + Speed - Durability = The newest star in the NFL, Adrian Peterson (This guy kicks ass!!)
No QB + a guy who looks like a molester as their coach = Why the Vikings will suck even with Peterson
TD + TD + TD + TD = Par for the course for LT vs. the Raiders
Sleeping Beauty + Snow White + A hibernating bear = Things that have awoken from their slumber like the Giants and Chargers
Coughlin coaching + Norv Turner coaching = Another guaranteed sleeping pill later on this season
Smoke + Mirrors + great corners = How Green Bay keeps winning
Running water + the light bulb + the airplane + the wheel = Things that weren't yet invented when Vinnie Testaverde started in the NFL
I mean seriously...
Tennessee + Tampa = zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..sorry, I just finally woke up from that piece of shit game
Not hiring Britney Spears as a baby sitter + not giving your credit card number to a Nigerian + benching Chad Pennington = No Brainers (unless you are the Mangenius apparently...I fear for his family)
Just crappy enough = The Philadelphia Eagles
Check back after the Monday Night game
Till next week
PS. FUCK THE CHEATERS!!!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Week 5 Math
Sorry for the delay, but without further ado, here is Week 5 Math (including Monday Night)
Leprechauns + Horseshoes + 4 leaf clovers + George W Bush = The only things luckier than the Dallas Cowboys
INT + INT + INT + INT + INT + Lost Fumble + Another win = Tony Romo
A little girl wearing mittens + Edward Scissorhands = People who can catch the ball better than TO
A 53 yard field goal + another 53 yard field goal after a bullshit timeout = Suck it, Dick Jauron!
Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision = The Buffalo Bills coaching staff
Bad coaching decision + Bad life decisions + a cunt = Bobby Petrino
Alge Crumpler + rant against Petrino = Crumpler being the newest official favorite player of NFL Math
The Colts + injury + injury + injury + injury + injury = VICTORY, BITCHES!!!!
Dallas Clark + that hit he took = OUCH, that hit hurt me!
Patriots + Cowboys = Anyone who doesn't make it a point to see this game is not a real football fan
Brady + Romo = a lot of getting laid going on
Trent Green = a lot of getting laid out going on
Burress + injury = Better than every other receiver in the league without an injury...that guy is playing like a fucking man!
Nails + Brick Walls + Chevy Trucks + Stonehenge = The only things tougher than the Pittsburgh Steelers
An offensive touchdown by the niners + A victory by the Rams or Dolphins = Things that will never happen
That kid from Jerry McGuire + That kid from The Sixth Sense + That kid from Little Miss Sunshine = People who look more mature than Jake Cutler
Ego + Ego + Ego + No talent to work with = Mike Shanahan
Ego + Ego + Ego + Talent to work with = Bill Belichick
Stallone in Over the Top + Popeye + Brett Favre in the mid 90s = The only people with stronger arms than Jason Campbell. Have you seen this guy throw?
A newborn + Olive Oil + Frank Stallone = The only people with weaker arms than Chad Pennington...BENCH HIM!!!
Leinart getting hurt + Husband starting for rest of season = Brenda Warner's evil prayers to Satan being answered
The Jaguars + The Chiefs = boring football
A bad interception + bad clock namagement = Finally, Brett Favre shows his true colors!
A few good throws + only 1 INT + a good completion percentage + a win = The Chicago Bears QB for the 1st time since, oh, 1985
See you next week.
Leprechauns + Horseshoes + 4 leaf clovers + George W Bush = The only things luckier than the Dallas Cowboys
INT + INT + INT + INT + INT + Lost Fumble + Another win = Tony Romo
A little girl wearing mittens + Edward Scissorhands = People who can catch the ball better than TO
A 53 yard field goal + another 53 yard field goal after a bullshit timeout = Suck it, Dick Jauron!
Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision + Bad coaching decision = The Buffalo Bills coaching staff
Bad coaching decision + Bad life decisions + a cunt = Bobby Petrino
Alge Crumpler + rant against Petrino = Crumpler being the newest official favorite player of NFL Math
The Colts + injury + injury + injury + injury + injury = VICTORY, BITCHES!!!!
Dallas Clark + that hit he took = OUCH, that hit hurt me!
Patriots + Cowboys = Anyone who doesn't make it a point to see this game is not a real football fan
Brady + Romo = a lot of getting laid going on
Trent Green = a lot of getting laid out going on
Burress + injury = Better than every other receiver in the league without an injury...that guy is playing like a fucking man!
Nails + Brick Walls + Chevy Trucks + Stonehenge = The only things tougher than the Pittsburgh Steelers
An offensive touchdown by the niners + A victory by the Rams or Dolphins = Things that will never happen
That kid from Jerry McGuire + That kid from The Sixth Sense + That kid from Little Miss Sunshine = People who look more mature than Jake Cutler
Ego + Ego + Ego + No talent to work with = Mike Shanahan
Ego + Ego + Ego + Talent to work with = Bill Belichick
Stallone in Over the Top + Popeye + Brett Favre in the mid 90s = The only people with stronger arms than Jason Campbell. Have you seen this guy throw?
A newborn + Olive Oil + Frank Stallone = The only people with weaker arms than Chad Pennington...BENCH HIM!!!
Leinart getting hurt + Husband starting for rest of season = Brenda Warner's evil prayers to Satan being answered
The Jaguars + The Chiefs = boring football
A bad interception + bad clock namagement = Finally, Brett Favre shows his true colors!
A few good throws + only 1 INT + a good completion percentage + a win = The Chicago Bears QB for the 1st time since, oh, 1985
See you next week.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Monday Night Math - Week 4
I hate the Cheaters! Here are the equations from Monday Night's game
Brady + Moss = Fucking scary
Belichick + sleeves = Never
Bengals + defense = Never
Injuries x Infinity = Pretty much every NFL team right now.
The season is starting to get serious, folks. Check back next week for more equations.
Brady + Moss = Fucking scary
Belichick + sleeves = Never
Bengals + defense = Never
Injuries x Infinity = Pretty much every NFL team right now.
The season is starting to get serious, folks. Check back next week for more equations.
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