Here are the Equations for Week 7
Cheating during games + Cheating on his wife + Snubbing former employees + Treating the media like shit + Running up the score every week = The epitome of class, Mr. Bill Belichick
Randy Moss + Double Coverage = Two TDs...I mean, seriously, that second one was incredible
The Miami Dolphins + Their play the first 7 weeks of the season = Deportation to England...wait, that was planned!?! The English actually have to pay money to see these guys play?!?! Oh well, it makes up for us getting David "my pussy hurts" Beckham. All in all, a fair trade.
Tom Coughlin + His stupid ass face = Deportation to England...wait, that was planned, too!?! AND THEY'RE GOING TO LET HIM BACK IN THE COUNTRY?!?! No wonder the terrorists are winning, we can't control our borders!
Tom Coughlin + His coaching + The Giants record = NFL Math hating to be wrong
Sack + Sack + Sack + Sack + Sack = The Giants D Line...they get after it, and NFL Math is impressed!
A guy dressed like one of the Village People raping a guy dressed like Jesus in a church while Michael Jackson and 50 young boys kill puppies = A sight less offensive than the 49ers and Rams Offenses
A Paper towel + A baby bunny rabbit + David Beckham = Things tougher than Shaun Alexander...and what does that tell you about the Rams since they lost to his team by 27 points
The Warren Commission Report on the assassination of JFK + The US rationale for going to war in Iraq + Cigarette companies saying nicotine is not addictive + The Baltimore Ravens being considered a good team = The Biggest Frauds in American History
Reggie Bush + Toughness = A Surprise
The Saints + A second straight win = A bigger Surprise
The Falcons + The players and fans not literally murdering that cunt Petrino yet = The biggest surprise
Being named Bobby Petrino = Being a Cunt
Kurt Warner + Another Injury + 2 INTS + Another Loss = God moving on to someone else
John Kitna + 16 of 20 + Another win = And that someone else is John Kitna
Redskins + Their offense = No chance against The Cheaters
Titans vs. Texans + Steelers vs. Broncos = The only decent games last weekend...what a depressing pile of shit we had to sit through
Bourbon + The Kentucky Derby + Muhammad Ali + Rob Bironas (The guy who kicked 8 FGs including the game winner for the Titans) + The writer of NFL Math = Proof that everything from Louisville is awesome
Bobby Petrino = Proof that everything that abandons Louisville is a cunt
Voodoo + A pact with Satan + slipping ruffies into the other team's pregame meals = Possible explanations on how the shitty KC Chiefs keep winning
Letdown + Licking wounds = Cowboys performance last weekend against the Vikings
Adrian Peterson + Only 12 rushing attempts + Asking Tarvaris Jackson to win the game = Does Petrino coach the Vikings? Childress is a fucking moron!!
Peterson right + Peterson left + Peterson up the middle + screen pass to Peterson + pass to Peterson in the flat = The only plays I would ever call with this Vikings team. SERIOUSLY, CHILDRESS IS A FUCKING MORON!!!!!
Denver + A win + A decent performance against a pretty good team = A sneaking suspicion that a few Rockies players suited up for the Broncos during their 3 month layoff between MLB playoff series to stay sharp...That's the only explanation for this win
Shit + Crap = The Eagles vs. The Bears
Diarrhea + A bloody stool sample = The Jets vs. The Bengals
AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WEEK
Toughness + Efficiency + Consistency + Confidence = The defending Superbowl Champion Colts
Newton + John + Reggie + Fountains of = Kick Ass Waynes
Global Warming after Gore got on his soap box + Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" + The Colts after they kicked the shit out of a good Jacksonville team = Things that won't be ignored anymore
Patriots + Colts = Seriously, Does any other team in the NFL even have a chance of winning the Superbowl?
LOOK AT IT
Dungy + Belichick = The only coaches in the game today who don't out-think themselves...except for Jeff Fisher most weeks
Manning + Brady = The only QBs who can actually play...because
The Patriots O Line + The Colts O line = The only units that actually give their QBs time to throw
The Colts skill players + The Patriots skill players = The only ones without any holes in their lineups
TWO WEEKS TILL THE SHOWDOWN!!! Till Next Time
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