The season is 1/4 over, and I think we are starting to see who is good. If the Colts, Patriots, or Cowboys don't win the Superbowl I will be shocked. So without further expert analysis, here is Week 4 Math
The Chicago Bears + Brian Griese at QB = The Chicago Bears + Rex Grossman at QB
The San Diego Chargers + Phillip Rivers at QB = The Chicago Bears + Rex Grossman at QB
Forrest Gump + Lennie from "Of Mice and Men" + Corky from "My So Called Life" = People smart enough not to kick the ball to Devin Hester...unlike the rest of the NFL
The San Diego Chargers - Marty + the misguided belief that Norv Turner can coach + a 1-3 record + an unhappy LT = Suck it, AJ Smith
Brett Favre + his play so far this year = Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated
Brett Favre + his play the rest of this year = We'll see...but I will admit that I made a bad call on his sucking, he looks really solid
Adrian Peterson - injury = Unanimous Offensive Rookie of the Year. This guy can play!
Romo + Owens + Barber + Witten + Crayton + a Healthy Terry Glenn - Bill Parcells = NFC Champion Dallas Cowboys
Dallas Cowboys + Julius Jones starting = WHY!?! Dallas O always struggles early, and this is the reason
Tony Romo + 4 weeks of kicking ass = People not bringing up the bobbled snap...except for NFL Math
9 million + 10 million + 14 million + 16 million + a 21 million dollar signing bonus = Romo's soon to be new contract
My love life + OJ Simpson + Britney Spears = things more pathetic than the AFC East - the Patriots
An exciting young coach + a solid defense + a strong running game + 2 straight wins = The Oakland Raiders...WAIT! DID I REALLY JUST WRITE THAT!?!?!?!
Mike Tomlin + a private detective friend in Hawaii who drives a Ferrari = TC from "Magnum, PI"
Ben Roethlisberger + his performance this week = I told you so
Warner + The revolving door at QB in AZ = A Big Fuck You to Leinert by his coaches...quit trying to fuck girls from "The Hills" and study film on your next opponent!!
Carolina + Their inconsistency + Them missing the playoffs...again = John Fox out + Bill Cowher in
The Baltimore Ravens + Their D giving up 27 points to the fucking Cleveland Browns = Billick's seat starting to get warm...and it's about goddamn time
My lunches from the 2nd to 4th grade + Groceries + Billy Martin with the Yankees = Things that have been sacked less times than Donovan McNabb was against the Giants
Super Dave Osbourne + An exasperated look on his face = Tom Coughlin
Bobby Petrino + 1 win in the NFL = 1 more win than that cunt deserves! Fuck you Houston! AND FUCK YOU PETRINO!!! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!
DeAngelo Hall + last week's sideline tirade against Petrino = DeAngelo Hall being the official favorite player of NFL Math
Amelia Earhart + Chandra Levy = More likely to appear at an NFL game than the 49ers' offense
Trent Dilfer + his shitty decision making + his shitty QB skills = Wait...why isn't he playing for the Bears?
TD + TD + TD + FG + Kneel downs to end the game = Colts' 2nd half possessions
The above equation = A Happy NFL Math
Harrison hurt + Sanders hurt + Morris hurt + Addai hurt = An Unhappy NFL Math
Tampax + Victoria's Secret + New England Clam Chowder = The only products not currently endorsed by Peyton Manning
Dallas Clark + Joseph Addai = the new heart and soul of the Colts Offense
So that was the week in the NFL, talk to you after Monday Night's Bengals destruction at the hands of the Cheaters
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Stand by your man, or how I learned to stop worrying about my franchise QB...and started weeping about it
With our team's first pick in the NFL Draft, we select...a failure.
It happens every year. Several QBs are taken by desparate teams looking for the face of a franchise. And three or four years later most of those same teams are still looking for that face in the crowd.
The QB pick is the hardest to get right, and unfortunately, it is also the most important. For every Peyton Manning there are 5 Ryan Leafs out there with promises of a strong arm or "good pocket presence". Of course they end up playing in Canada or attacking reporters or playing for the Buffalo Bills.
Which brings us to one Rex Grossman.
Rex has been benched, and there is little doubt that he will never be a starting QB in the NFL again. I mean, when fans are chanting the name of Brian Griese to replace you, you know you are never going to play starting QB again.
But why did it take so long? Rex Grossman has sucked for years. He cost the Bears the Superbowl by playing like...Rex Grossman. Trent Dilfer won the Superbowl with the Ravens. He WON THE GAME and he got released cause they didn't believe in him.
Why? Why do they hang on to the shitty QBs they draft when it is hopeless, but cut and run with the ones they bring in who are only mediocre? I really don't know.
Is it ego? Is it a need to be the one who drafted the franchise guy? The one who coached a franchise guy?
Grossman, Joey Harrington, JP Losman, Vick before the dogs...all these guys sucked, and I mean SUCKED for years, but they still got the pass. Harrington was finally let go by the Lions after 4 years of shit.
Dilfer, Plummer, Culpepper, Bledsoe...all were brought in an dumped in record amounts of time when they didn't perform well enough.
Maybe the thing is, nothing sticks to your franchise like drafting a bad QB. So maybe it is the need to wash away the stink of failure that causes these GMs and teams to stand by their men. I don't know.
But I do know this. If I were a fan of the Bills, 49ers, or Cardinals I would start weeping, cause your QB sucks and your management is not going to pull the plug for years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Postscript
I will say that that the only good QB to come into the league in the last 2 years is Vince Young. Cutler looks OK, but not spectacular, and Leinhart...sorry.
It happens every year. Several QBs are taken by desparate teams looking for the face of a franchise. And three or four years later most of those same teams are still looking for that face in the crowd.
The QB pick is the hardest to get right, and unfortunately, it is also the most important. For every Peyton Manning there are 5 Ryan Leafs out there with promises of a strong arm or "good pocket presence". Of course they end up playing in Canada or attacking reporters or playing for the Buffalo Bills.
Which brings us to one Rex Grossman.
Rex has been benched, and there is little doubt that he will never be a starting QB in the NFL again. I mean, when fans are chanting the name of Brian Griese to replace you, you know you are never going to play starting QB again.
But why did it take so long? Rex Grossman has sucked for years. He cost the Bears the Superbowl by playing like...Rex Grossman. Trent Dilfer won the Superbowl with the Ravens. He WON THE GAME and he got released cause they didn't believe in him.
Why? Why do they hang on to the shitty QBs they draft when it is hopeless, but cut and run with the ones they bring in who are only mediocre? I really don't know.
Is it ego? Is it a need to be the one who drafted the franchise guy? The one who coached a franchise guy?
Grossman, Joey Harrington, JP Losman, Vick before the dogs...all these guys sucked, and I mean SUCKED for years, but they still got the pass. Harrington was finally let go by the Lions after 4 years of shit.
Dilfer, Plummer, Culpepper, Bledsoe...all were brought in an dumped in record amounts of time when they didn't perform well enough.
Maybe the thing is, nothing sticks to your franchise like drafting a bad QB. So maybe it is the need to wash away the stink of failure that causes these GMs and teams to stand by their men. I don't know.
But I do know this. If I were a fan of the Bills, 49ers, or Cardinals I would start weeping, cause your QB sucks and your management is not going to pull the plug for years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Postscript
I will say that that the only good QB to come into the league in the last 2 years is Vince Young. Cutler looks OK, but not spectacular, and Leinhart...sorry.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday Night Math - Week 3
From the Monday night beat down
Seeing Bigfoot + Seeing Leprechauns + Seeing Belichick and Mangini hug it out = things more likely to happen than the Saints completing a deep pass
VY + Jeff Fisher + Norm Chow + A Good Defense + A power running game = Remembering these Titans...they will make the playoffs at 9-7
George + Jenna + Barbara = Bushes with more moves than Reggie
Everything + Everything = what is wrong with the Saints
LenDale White + A salad = no chance in hell of ever happening
Kornheiser + real analysis = no chance in hell of ever happening...go back to PTI and stay there. This guy is Dennis Miller 2.0
Jaworski - his moustache = a guy busted on "To Catch a Predator" Grow it back, Jaws!
Patriots + Colts + Steelers + Cowboys = The only teams that have a shot to WIN the Superbowl...at least until next week's crazy goings on
Remember guys, it is week 3. The season doesn't really start till week 10.
I'm going to try and comment on the Grossman saga this week so check back when you can.
Seeing Bigfoot + Seeing Leprechauns + Seeing Belichick and Mangini hug it out = things more likely to happen than the Saints completing a deep pass
VY + Jeff Fisher + Norm Chow + A Good Defense + A power running game = Remembering these Titans...they will make the playoffs at 9-7
George + Jenna + Barbara = Bushes with more moves than Reggie
Everything + Everything = what is wrong with the Saints
LenDale White + A salad = no chance in hell of ever happening
Kornheiser + real analysis = no chance in hell of ever happening...go back to PTI and stay there. This guy is Dennis Miller 2.0
Jaworski - his moustache = a guy busted on "To Catch a Predator" Grow it back, Jaws!
Patriots + Colts + Steelers + Cowboys = The only teams that have a shot to WIN the Superbowl...at least until next week's crazy goings on
Remember guys, it is week 3. The season doesn't really start till week 10.
I'm going to try and comment on the Grossman saga this week so check back when you can.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Week 3 Math
Here are all the pre Rose Bowl Rematch math problems
Bill Belichick + Bill Clinton + Barry Bonds = Cheaters
Another Patriots Superbowl victory + A wife in the Whitehouse + The homerun record = Proof that Cheaters always win!
Colts + a win on the road + 40 yards allowed rushing = Hope against Cheaters
Colts + another goddam kickoff TD allowed = FUCK!
Toughness + Agility = Addai (I Love Him!)
McNabb + 4 TDs + perfect passer rating + blowout win = Suck it, Critics...and whitey!
Favre + 3 TDs + Victory + 3-0 record = Suck it, NFL Math!
Loss + Loss + Loss + Loss = Norv Turner's coaching career
Britney + Paris + Lohan + the Broncos = things that have had their vaginas exposed
Cutting off my penis with a sharp rock + gouging out my eyes with Q-tips + having sex with Rosie O'Donnell without a condom + hanging out with OJ in Vegas = things I would rather do than watch the first half of the Bears vs. Cowboys again
Threatening to sell pictures of Lovie Smith fucking a goat + threats of suicide = What Rex Grossman must be doing to remain QB of the Bears
Tears + Rage + Fustration = Every fantasy owner with the 1st pick in their draft this year
A little bit of pride + A little bit of effort + the hope that Tom Coughlin would die of surprise = The Giants performance in the 2nd half
A Chiefs victory + A Raiders victory = NFL Math dying of surprise
Great running + Good coaching + Great Defense - mistakes from a soon to be exposed loser at QB = The Pittsburgh Steelers
A QB who would rather be in heaven + a QB who would rather be at Sky Bar = The Arizona Cardinals
A mediocre performance + A mediocre performance + A mediocre performance = The Seattle Seahawks
ME + ME + ME + ME = Chad Johnson
Dolphins + Jets = Lost Causes
Another loss + No hope on the horizon = Arthur Blank lobbying to get Vick on a work release program
Bobby Petrino = A cunt! Fuck him!!!!
A loss to a team coached by Herm Edwards + Tarvaris as my QB + the assurance that Favre will break the TD record in my team's stadium = a bad week to be a Vikings fan
Tampa Bay + victories = Fleeting
A blackhole + Jenna Jameson + A vacuum cleaner = Things that suck harder than the Rams
That's all for this week. I'll comment on the Monday night game tomorrow.
Bill Belichick + Bill Clinton + Barry Bonds = Cheaters
Another Patriots Superbowl victory + A wife in the Whitehouse + The homerun record = Proof that Cheaters always win!
Colts + a win on the road + 40 yards allowed rushing = Hope against Cheaters
Colts + another goddam kickoff TD allowed = FUCK!
Toughness + Agility = Addai (I Love Him!)
McNabb + 4 TDs + perfect passer rating + blowout win = Suck it, Critics...and whitey!
Favre + 3 TDs + Victory + 3-0 record = Suck it, NFL Math!
Loss + Loss + Loss + Loss = Norv Turner's coaching career
Britney + Paris + Lohan + the Broncos = things that have had their vaginas exposed
Cutting off my penis with a sharp rock + gouging out my eyes with Q-tips + having sex with Rosie O'Donnell without a condom + hanging out with OJ in Vegas = things I would rather do than watch the first half of the Bears vs. Cowboys again
Threatening to sell pictures of Lovie Smith fucking a goat + threats of suicide = What Rex Grossman must be doing to remain QB of the Bears
Tears + Rage + Fustration = Every fantasy owner with the 1st pick in their draft this year
A little bit of pride + A little bit of effort + the hope that Tom Coughlin would die of surprise = The Giants performance in the 2nd half
A Chiefs victory + A Raiders victory = NFL Math dying of surprise
Great running + Good coaching + Great Defense - mistakes from a soon to be exposed loser at QB = The Pittsburgh Steelers
A QB who would rather be in heaven + a QB who would rather be at Sky Bar = The Arizona Cardinals
A mediocre performance + A mediocre performance + A mediocre performance = The Seattle Seahawks
ME + ME + ME + ME = Chad Johnson
Dolphins + Jets = Lost Causes
Another loss + No hope on the horizon = Arthur Blank lobbying to get Vick on a work release program
Bobby Petrino = A cunt! Fuck him!!!!
A loss to a team coached by Herm Edwards + Tarvaris as my QB + the assurance that Favre will break the TD record in my team's stadium = a bad week to be a Vikings fan
Tampa Bay + victories = Fleeting
A blackhole + Jenna Jameson + A vacuum cleaner = Things that suck harder than the Rams
That's all for this week. I'll comment on the Monday night game tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday Night Math - Week 2
Monday Night + football = Uh....Um...That game was about as interesting as watching old people eat
Boo + Boo + You suck + I hate you and your family + Go to Hell = Philly fans talking to McNabb...or their grandmothers
The race card + McNabb = A cheap ploy by McNabb to deflect attention from his poor play
The Eagles 0-2 record + The Redskins 2-0 record = Not a damn thing.
I remember saying one smart thing in my life. It is that the season doesn't really being until week 10. So Philly and Redskins fans, it is neither as bad or as good as it looks.
Boo + Boo + You suck + I hate you and your family + Go to Hell = Philly fans talking to McNabb...or their grandmothers
The race card + McNabb = A cheap ploy by McNabb to deflect attention from his poor play
The Eagles 0-2 record + The Redskins 2-0 record = Not a damn thing.
I remember saying one smart thing in my life. It is that the season doesn't really being until week 10. So Philly and Redskins fans, it is neither as bad or as good as it looks.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Week 2 Math
Richard Nixon + a headset = Bill Belichick
A cunt + a headset = Bobby Petrino
Bobby Petrino's 0-2 record + Tom Coughlin's 0-2 record = a happy me
Consistent play from Rex Grossman + Bears D = Superbowl Championship
Chance of getting consistent play from Rex Grossman = 0%
Norv Turner + Phillip Rivers = The reason San Diego will not win the Superbowl
Luck + a surprising defensive stand = A Colts victory against the Titans
Vince Young + 2 more years in the NFL - Mike Vick's posse = An NFL Superstar
Lendale White + 2 more value meals at McDonald's = Star Jones, pre surgery
7 returns for Touchdowns last year + the kick return in the Superbowl + yesterday's punt return = Devin Hester, the coolest guy in the NFL right now
Devin Hester - speed - instincts = Ted Ginn, Jr.
Arizona + Seattle + San Fransisco + St. Louis = 1 supremely crappy division
Black cats + Broken mirrors + Gypsy curses = The Oakland Raider's luck
A great drive + an interception + another great drive + another interception = Jake Cutler
Brett Favre + 3 TD passes = optimism, hey the guy might still have it!
Brett Favre + 3 TD passes + the fact that he did it against the Giants D = Oh yeah, Brett Favre still sucks my balls!
Brett Favre's swagger - any postseason wins - any real accomplishments = Tony Romo
TO + TD celebration + a few catches = Yawn
Wade Phillips - a few pounds + a sheriff's uniform + a hound dog = Roscoe P Coltrane
Shame + Anguish + Disbelief + lots more SHAME = Emotions you feel when losing to the Browns, Bucs, or Lions
Bill Clinton + Lindsay Lohan + Wilt Chamberlain = The only people who have scored more than the Browns and Bengals
Brian Billick's coaching career + Marvin Lewis' coaching career = Irony
A loud shriek + hysterical laughs + joyful singing = The sounds heard from the Fantasy football loser who actually drafted and started Jamal Lewis...It was only luck!
Michael Jackson - Dance Moves - Pedophelia - a monkey + slightly more football skills than he has right now = Tarvaris Jackson
Steve Smith + Health = unstoppable
Jake Delhomme + his 15th chance to prove himself = more of the same...look for Carr by week 8
Houston + another win = an interesting game for the Colts in Week 3
Chumbawumba + The Knack + Bill Ray Cyrus = One hit wonders...kinda like the Saints
Pittsburgh + another win against a shitty opponent = Nothing
New York Jets + Baltimore Ravens = Better than a sleeping pill
A Pussy + an expensive suit + a mouth on the cocks of the owners and coaches = Roger Goodell
Cheating + Tom Brady = Superbowls
A cunt + a headset = Bobby Petrino
Bobby Petrino's 0-2 record + Tom Coughlin's 0-2 record = a happy me
Consistent play from Rex Grossman + Bears D = Superbowl Championship
Chance of getting consistent play from Rex Grossman = 0%
Norv Turner + Phillip Rivers = The reason San Diego will not win the Superbowl
Luck + a surprising defensive stand = A Colts victory against the Titans
Vince Young + 2 more years in the NFL - Mike Vick's posse = An NFL Superstar
Lendale White + 2 more value meals at McDonald's = Star Jones, pre surgery
7 returns for Touchdowns last year + the kick return in the Superbowl + yesterday's punt return = Devin Hester, the coolest guy in the NFL right now
Devin Hester - speed - instincts = Ted Ginn, Jr.
Arizona + Seattle + San Fransisco + St. Louis = 1 supremely crappy division
Black cats + Broken mirrors + Gypsy curses = The Oakland Raider's luck
A great drive + an interception + another great drive + another interception = Jake Cutler
Brett Favre + 3 TD passes = optimism, hey the guy might still have it!
Brett Favre + 3 TD passes + the fact that he did it against the Giants D = Oh yeah, Brett Favre still sucks my balls!
Brett Favre's swagger - any postseason wins - any real accomplishments = Tony Romo
TO + TD celebration + a few catches = Yawn
Wade Phillips - a few pounds + a sheriff's uniform + a hound dog = Roscoe P Coltrane
Shame + Anguish + Disbelief + lots more SHAME = Emotions you feel when losing to the Browns, Bucs, or Lions
Bill Clinton + Lindsay Lohan + Wilt Chamberlain = The only people who have scored more than the Browns and Bengals
Brian Billick's coaching career + Marvin Lewis' coaching career = Irony
A loud shriek + hysterical laughs + joyful singing = The sounds heard from the Fantasy football loser who actually drafted and started Jamal Lewis...It was only luck!
Michael Jackson - Dance Moves - Pedophelia - a monkey + slightly more football skills than he has right now = Tarvaris Jackson
Steve Smith + Health = unstoppable
Jake Delhomme + his 15th chance to prove himself = more of the same...look for Carr by week 8
Houston + another win = an interesting game for the Colts in Week 3
Chumbawumba + The Knack + Bill Ray Cyrus = One hit wonders...kinda like the Saints
Pittsburgh + another win against a shitty opponent = Nothing
New York Jets + Baltimore Ravens = Better than a sleeping pill
A Pussy + an expensive suit + a mouth on the cocks of the owners and coaches = Roger Goodell
Cheating + Tom Brady = Superbowls
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Bill Belichick is a fucking genius!
As a die hard Colts fan. If ever there were a time to pile on the worst human being in the world, Bill Belichick, it would be today. But there is a sinking feeling in my heart that perhaps Belichick did this for a reason.
Remember when the Pats 1st won the Superbowl. They cried, "Nobody believed in us!" Two years later they won again crying, "Nobody believed in us!" even though they were favored in the Superbowl. The next year they go on to win 21 games in a row, go 14-2, and they cried, "Nobody believed in us".
The last few years have been different. They didn't have the talent, but people still had the expectations. They faltered in the playoffs so they decide to go out and get Moss, Thomas, and Welker. By the time the prognostications came out there was nobody (Trust me I read and hear everything) who didn't pick the Patriots to win the Superbowl. They couldn't play the "Nobody believed in us" card anymore and be taken seriously as rational human beings. But it is that card, more than anything else, that gives the Patriots their power.
And this is where Belichick's Machiavellian genius comes in.
I think he planted that camera on the sidelines in plain view so that the Pats would be doubted again.
Listen to the talk shows and read the stories. Listen to the fans of the Eagles and Steelers. They're saying that the Patriots can't perform without their subterfuge. They
point to Belichick and scream that he can't do it without stealing signs. Brady sucks in real life, but the cheating makes him the star that he is.
And of course, the Superbowls are tainted.
Imagine being a Patriot right now and hearing all that. Imagine being told that you can't play for shit because of something that you probably had no knowledge of. Wouldn't you feel like NOBODY BELIEVED IN YOU?
So to Mr. Belichick, who has the most talented and now the most motivated roster in football, who is about to go undefeated and win the Superbowl by 60 points, I salute you, you magnificent bastard!
Remember when the Pats 1st won the Superbowl. They cried, "Nobody believed in us!" Two years later they won again crying, "Nobody believed in us!" even though they were favored in the Superbowl. The next year they go on to win 21 games in a row, go 14-2, and they cried, "Nobody believed in us".
The last few years have been different. They didn't have the talent, but people still had the expectations. They faltered in the playoffs so they decide to go out and get Moss, Thomas, and Welker. By the time the prognostications came out there was nobody (Trust me I read and hear everything) who didn't pick the Patriots to win the Superbowl. They couldn't play the "Nobody believed in us" card anymore and be taken seriously as rational human beings. But it is that card, more than anything else, that gives the Patriots their power.
And this is where Belichick's Machiavellian genius comes in.
I think he planted that camera on the sidelines in plain view so that the Pats would be doubted again.
Listen to the talk shows and read the stories. Listen to the fans of the Eagles and Steelers. They're saying that the Patriots can't perform without their subterfuge. They
point to Belichick and scream that he can't do it without stealing signs. Brady sucks in real life, but the cheating makes him the star that he is.
And of course, the Superbowls are tainted.
Imagine being a Patriot right now and hearing all that. Imagine being told that you can't play for shit because of something that you probably had no knowledge of. Wouldn't you feel like NOBODY BELIEVED IN YOU?
So to Mr. Belichick, who has the most talented and now the most motivated roster in football, who is about to go undefeated and win the Superbowl by 60 points, I salute you, you magnificent bastard!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Week 1 Math - Monday Night Games
Here are some equations for the Monday night games
Tom Brady + same baby daddy issues - ability to thread a needle with a pass = Matt Leinart
Arizona Cardinals - ability to hold a lead in the 4th Quarter = They are who we thought they were
Steve McNair - the 2nd half ot the Superbowl he lost where he played great = the most average "great" QB ever
The drummer for Def Leppard + Captain Hook + a four year old girl = 3 people that can hold on to a football better than the Ravens
Ocho Cinco + lame TD celebration = On thin Ice
Johnson + Johnson + Johnson + Johnson + Johnson = the Cincinnatti Bengals
Espionage + Illegal Drugs + Poor Sportsmanship = The New England Patriots
One side note. I think this camera taping thing is getting misinterpreted. That guy was taping the defensive coach for the Jets so that Belichick could wack off to it when he gets back to the office. That's how Bill gets off, much like James Spader in Sex, Lies, and Videotape. As soon as Bill sees them call for a Cover 2...money shot!
See you next week!
Tom Brady + same baby daddy issues - ability to thread a needle with a pass = Matt Leinart
Arizona Cardinals - ability to hold a lead in the 4th Quarter = They are who we thought they were
Steve McNair - the 2nd half ot the Superbowl he lost where he played great = the most average "great" QB ever
The drummer for Def Leppard + Captain Hook + a four year old girl = 3 people that can hold on to a football better than the Ravens
Ocho Cinco + lame TD celebration = On thin Ice
Johnson + Johnson + Johnson + Johnson + Johnson = the Cincinnatti Bengals
Espionage + Illegal Drugs + Poor Sportsmanship = The New England Patriots
One side note. I think this camera taping thing is getting misinterpreted. That guy was taping the defensive coach for the Jets so that Belichick could wack off to it when he gets back to the office. That's how Bill gets off, much like James Spader in Sex, Lies, and Videotape. As soon as Bill sees them call for a Cover 2...money shot!
See you next week!
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Week 1 Math - Thru Sunday
Here is this week's lesson. Check back on Tuesdays for Monday Night's Action.
Week 1
Jason David + new team + high stepping into endzone after fumble recovery = Toast burning
Marvin Harrison + age - toughness = A new #1 in Indy, Reggie Wayne
Colts D + healthy Bob Sanders = Decent D
Manning + Harrison + Wayne + Addai + Clark = Kick Ass O
Favre + McNabb = Old Shitty has beens
JP Losman + Phillip Rivers = New Shitty never will be(s)
Manning + Brady = Men among Boys
Mike Tomlin + Haircut + bad acting = Omar Epps
Roethlisberger - pressure in the pocket + playing against the Cleveland Browns = false sense of worth. He will betray you Pittsburg. Mark my words!
Bitterness + Despair - A reason to believe that anything will ever be good again = Every Cleveland Browns fan tonight
Broncos + field goals = Same old same old. Can't this team figure out an offensive rhythm and score some damn TDs?
16-13 = Score of Packers/Eagles = Score of Redskins/Dolphins = The score of every shitty SEC game I can remember
The dump you take after eating Taco Bell + a human form = Joey Harrington
The dump you take after eating Taco Bell + a human form - any shred of talent = Rex Grossman
Rivers throwing passes + Grossman throwing passes + LT throwing passes = Little doubt who the best QB in this group is
Notre Dame's offense + Michigan's defense = The 2007 Kansas City Chiefs
45 minutes into the first Bears game of the year + or - a few minutes = The amount of time it takes for Mike Brown to get injured and be out for the season
Mario Williams + 2 sacks + 5 tackles + TD = Absolute positive proof that not taking Bush or Young with the first pick was 100% the right decision...right?
Houston Texans + Tied for 1st Place this week = The best week of every Texans fan's life
Brady + Moss = Scary for Colt fans
Moss' ego + 15 remaining regular season games = Reassuring for Colt fans
Infinity + Infinity = Time Brady had in the pocket against the toothless Jets D line
Infinity x Infinity = Number of Erectile Dysfunction commercials I saw this weekend during football games. Are football fans all as impotent as the Jets D?
Justin Timberlake + Puppies + Richard Simmons = 3 things more threatening than the Tampa Bucs Offense
George Bush - relevance + belief that he is ruining the country + lame duck status = Tom Coughlin
78 yards passing + INT + Rushing TD = Mike Vick like stats that Vince Young had in a victory
Vince Young + off season attitude + sense of entitlement = If I'm a dog in the Nashville area I'm scared shitless cause this guy is going Vick on our asses!
Jacksonville - Leftwich + Garrard = The exact same inconsistent football team that we all know and are indifferent to. If the Jacksonville Jaguars disappeared off the face of the Earth, wouldn't it take 3 weeks before any NFL fan noticed?
NFL team - heart - talent - any sort of organizational skill = The Oakland Raiders
Detroit + 1 win = 1 more win than most of their fans thought they would have this season
Adrian Peterson + Daylight = Paydirt
Atlanta Falcons - Mike Vick + Joey Harrington = What that cunt Petrino deserves! I hate him and I hate his stupid ass face!!!
Tarvaris Jackson - a clue = Jason Campbell
Eagles punt returners - hands - common sense = Eagles punt returners on Sunday
Steven Jackson + game 1 performace = Playing at least 15 snaps next preseason
Carolina + Expectations = Failed Expectations
Wade Phillips + A CB radio = Extra in Smokey and the Bandit
Dallas Receivers + Giants D = Fire Coughlin chant at the Meadowlands or much entertainment for me
TO + 2 touchdowns / Randy Moss + 9 catches = Don't let us down Ocho Cinco!
Talk to You on Tuesday
Week 1
Jason David + new team + high stepping into endzone after fumble recovery = Toast burning
Marvin Harrison + age - toughness = A new #1 in Indy, Reggie Wayne
Colts D + healthy Bob Sanders = Decent D
Manning + Harrison + Wayne + Addai + Clark = Kick Ass O
Favre + McNabb = Old Shitty has beens
JP Losman + Phillip Rivers = New Shitty never will be(s)
Manning + Brady = Men among Boys
Mike Tomlin + Haircut + bad acting = Omar Epps
Roethlisberger - pressure in the pocket + playing against the Cleveland Browns = false sense of worth. He will betray you Pittsburg. Mark my words!
Bitterness + Despair - A reason to believe that anything will ever be good again = Every Cleveland Browns fan tonight
Broncos + field goals = Same old same old. Can't this team figure out an offensive rhythm and score some damn TDs?
16-13 = Score of Packers/Eagles = Score of Redskins/Dolphins = The score of every shitty SEC game I can remember
The dump you take after eating Taco Bell + a human form = Joey Harrington
The dump you take after eating Taco Bell + a human form - any shred of talent = Rex Grossman
Rivers throwing passes + Grossman throwing passes + LT throwing passes = Little doubt who the best QB in this group is
Notre Dame's offense + Michigan's defense = The 2007 Kansas City Chiefs
45 minutes into the first Bears game of the year + or - a few minutes = The amount of time it takes for Mike Brown to get injured and be out for the season
Mario Williams + 2 sacks + 5 tackles + TD = Absolute positive proof that not taking Bush or Young with the first pick was 100% the right decision...right?
Houston Texans + Tied for 1st Place this week = The best week of every Texans fan's life
Brady + Moss = Scary for Colt fans
Moss' ego + 15 remaining regular season games = Reassuring for Colt fans
Infinity + Infinity = Time Brady had in the pocket against the toothless Jets D line
Infinity x Infinity = Number of Erectile Dysfunction commercials I saw this weekend during football games. Are football fans all as impotent as the Jets D?
Justin Timberlake + Puppies + Richard Simmons = 3 things more threatening than the Tampa Bucs Offense
George Bush - relevance + belief that he is ruining the country + lame duck status = Tom Coughlin
78 yards passing + INT + Rushing TD = Mike Vick like stats that Vince Young had in a victory
Vince Young + off season attitude + sense of entitlement = If I'm a dog in the Nashville area I'm scared shitless cause this guy is going Vick on our asses!
Jacksonville - Leftwich + Garrard = The exact same inconsistent football team that we all know and are indifferent to. If the Jacksonville Jaguars disappeared off the face of the Earth, wouldn't it take 3 weeks before any NFL fan noticed?
NFL team - heart - talent - any sort of organizational skill = The Oakland Raiders
Detroit + 1 win = 1 more win than most of their fans thought they would have this season
Adrian Peterson + Daylight = Paydirt
Atlanta Falcons - Mike Vick + Joey Harrington = What that cunt Petrino deserves! I hate him and I hate his stupid ass face!!!
Tarvaris Jackson - a clue = Jason Campbell
Eagles punt returners - hands - common sense = Eagles punt returners on Sunday
Steven Jackson + game 1 performace = Playing at least 15 snaps next preseason
Carolina + Expectations = Failed Expectations
Wade Phillips + A CB radio = Extra in Smokey and the Bandit
Dallas Receivers + Giants D = Fire Coughlin chant at the Meadowlands or much entertainment for me
TO + 2 touchdowns / Randy Moss + 9 catches = Don't let us down Ocho Cinco!
Talk to You on Tuesday
Friday, September 7, 2007
Introduction
Back when I worked for a big corporation, I used to send out some math problems dealing with the NFL season for my co-workers to enjoy. I called this little weekly email NFL Math. So now I have decided to bring this little feature to the masses. Let me lay down a few ground rules so that you guys (and gals) know how this works.
- I will try to have at least 1 equation about every team in the NFL every week...unless the team is as shitty as the Raiders or as boring as the Bucs were last year and then they get bumped for more interesting fodder.
- I am a huge Colts fan. HUGE! I want to kill when they lose, and I feel a vague sense of relief when they win. They will be mentioned every week. I call em like I see em with the team, but I am a homer and will praise them without regard to fairness. If reading nice sentiments about the Colts bothers you, go read Bill Simmons!
- I hate the Patriots, but I do realize they are a great organization and Brady, while being a full fledged cunt, is still one of the best QBs ever. That being said, bad things will be said about the Patriots throughout the season. If you don't like the Patriots being trashed as callow, poor spirited assholes, go read Bill Simmons!
- There are 3 other teams that will get at least 2 equations throughout the season because NFL math started for their fans, and they would be the Cowboys, Broncos, and Vikings. I know, the Cowboys are the Yankees of football. Everyone talks about them, but I have to in fairness to Jim and his constant optimism that this will be the first year in the last ten where the Cowboys were relevant again. For Mike I have to talk about the Broncos and that weird lazy eyed ego manic called Mike Shanahan. For years I hated the Broncos for having the biggest cunt in the league as their QB (Jake Plummer), since he retired...I still hate ego Mike! Fuck him in the ear! Fuck him in the other ear!!! And the Vikings, well, they are just...sorry to put you through that but Jack still sticks with them like a hundred dollar bill sticks to a stripper's ass when you make it rain on a boat in the middle of a scum filled Minnesota lake.
- This is done on my free time, so don't give me shit about spelling and grammer
- As the weeks progress, it will get funnier I promise
- Most equations involve addition and subtraction, and every now and then multiplication or division. If you want smarter NFL insight, read TMQ
- Here are the NFL's most worthless writers in alphabetical order:
King, Peter
- Brett Favre sucks
- Brett Favre really really really sucks
- Fantasy Football is ruining your life, stop playing and don't expect me to talk about a player ruining my season cause he didn't catch 12 passes for 200 yards with 4 TDs against the Bills like I thought he would. If you want to hear these bullshit stories, read Bill Simmons!
- Other topics will occasionally come in
- If you read this blog, please share it with other football fans
Thanks and let's have another great season...where the Colts win the Superbowl again and the Cowboys continue to suck on my balls!
- I will try to have at least 1 equation about every team in the NFL every week...unless the team is as shitty as the Raiders or as boring as the Bucs were last year and then they get bumped for more interesting fodder.
- I am a huge Colts fan. HUGE! I want to kill when they lose, and I feel a vague sense of relief when they win. They will be mentioned every week. I call em like I see em with the team, but I am a homer and will praise them without regard to fairness. If reading nice sentiments about the Colts bothers you, go read Bill Simmons!
- I hate the Patriots, but I do realize they are a great organization and Brady, while being a full fledged cunt, is still one of the best QBs ever. That being said, bad things will be said about the Patriots throughout the season. If you don't like the Patriots being trashed as callow, poor spirited assholes, go read Bill Simmons!
- There are 3 other teams that will get at least 2 equations throughout the season because NFL math started for their fans, and they would be the Cowboys, Broncos, and Vikings. I know, the Cowboys are the Yankees of football. Everyone talks about them, but I have to in fairness to Jim and his constant optimism that this will be the first year in the last ten where the Cowboys were relevant again. For Mike I have to talk about the Broncos and that weird lazy eyed ego manic called Mike Shanahan. For years I hated the Broncos for having the biggest cunt in the league as their QB (Jake Plummer), since he retired...I still hate ego Mike! Fuck him in the ear! Fuck him in the other ear!!! And the Vikings, well, they are just...sorry to put you through that but Jack still sticks with them like a hundred dollar bill sticks to a stripper's ass when you make it rain on a boat in the middle of a scum filled Minnesota lake.
- This is done on my free time, so don't give me shit about spelling and grammer
- As the weeks progress, it will get funnier I promise
- Most equations involve addition and subtraction, and every now and then multiplication or division. If you want smarter NFL insight, read TMQ
- Here are the NFL's most worthless writers in alphabetical order:
King, Peter
- Brett Favre sucks
- Brett Favre really really really sucks
- Fantasy Football is ruining your life, stop playing and don't expect me to talk about a player ruining my season cause he didn't catch 12 passes for 200 yards with 4 TDs against the Bills like I thought he would. If you want to hear these bullshit stories, read Bill Simmons!
- Other topics will occasionally come in
- If you read this blog, please share it with other football fans
Thanks and let's have another great season...where the Colts win the Superbowl again and the Cowboys continue to suck on my balls!
Pre Game Math
Manning + Addai + Titans, Texans, and Jaguars = AFC South title for Colts by Dec 1
Colts D - a lot of players - a defensive player taken by the Colts before the 3rd round = Me crying in January cause we can't stop Urkel from getting 5 yards a carry
Dre Bly + Champ Bailey = Lots of passes thrown to tight ends by the Bronco's opponents
Inexperienced Cutler + Broncos crappy WRs = Lots of passes thrown to tight ends by the Broncos
Cowboys - Parcells + Phillips = A great coach with a shitty attitude being replaced by a shitty coach with a great attitude!
TO + quiet offseason - spotlight + Drew Rosenhaus = Oh, let's say by week 5 he'll be saying that he wishes Joe Namath was his QB instead of Romo
DWare + Wade Phillips schemes + a few illegal supplements = NFC's Shawn Merriman
Vikings + Peterson + Taylor + Moore = Wait, did our QB even attempt a pass in the 1st 3 weeks of the season?
Vikings + QB situation + fans = Let me get this straight, is our QB named Tito Jackson?
Texans + Schaub - Carr = Same shit, different QB
David Carr + Panthers + Jake Delhomme's inconsistentcy - the Shitty offensive line in Houston = Guarentee that David Carr has a better year than his namesake Lloyd Carr
Falcons - Vick + Harrington = 1st pick in NFL Draft 2008 (Brian Brohm)
Falcons + Brohm = FUCK YOU PETRINO YOU LYING BASTARD ASSHOLE!!!!!
Dogs - life + electricution + rape stand = Mike Vick learning what it is like to be someone's bitch
Steelers - Cowher + Tomlin = nothing cause Big Ben still sucks
Bengals + 88 days since last arrest = a new record
Browns + Brady Quinn + Joe Thomas = Irrelevant. The Browns will be as bad as Notre Dame is this year.
Arizona + optimism + Leinart + great receivers + new coach = Do I even have to say, 5-11, just like every year.
SF + Trendy pick to make the playoffs = a pissed off Seattle team that wants revenge and respect
Brady - Mohnayhan + baby + Giselle - freedom + media spotlight = Who cares about football or his baby, he has had his cock in Gisele's mouth!!!
Jets + Sopranos = Don Eric Mangini having Belichick whacked!
Rams + Lions + Dolphins + Bills + Titans + Raiders + Chiefs + Redskins = Not worth talking about
Ravens + McNair being a year older + D being a year older = I'm really not sure!
Grossman + pressure = my favorite football player in the world. Thank you Rex for the Superbowl. Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!
Packers - Green + another year of Favre being Farve = Retire you old selfish bastard!!!
Chucky + Shit year for Bucs again this year + 5 years since Superbowl win = You are fired Chucky!! And you did it all with a team that Dungy built you coattail riding little gross faced geek!!
Panthers + pick to win NFC + Delhomme = Why won't we ever learn? This team is a bigger cocktease than either of the Olsen twins before they became legal!
Giants - Tiki + Eli growing some balls = Nothing because Coughlin is still the biggest douchebag in the league!
Football + Madden on TV = a guarentee than 8 stupid things will be said on TV tonight and Sunday night
Eagles + Owners + Reid = 11 wins, just like every other year
Saints = NFC Champs
Chargers = Superbowl Champs
That's all for now, bitches. Enjoy the football tonight, Sunday, and Monday. I'll be back in the middle of next week for more (and much funnier) NFL Math.
Colts D - a lot of players - a defensive player taken by the Colts before the 3rd round = Me crying in January cause we can't stop Urkel from getting 5 yards a carry
Dre Bly + Champ Bailey = Lots of passes thrown to tight ends by the Bronco's opponents
Inexperienced Cutler + Broncos crappy WRs = Lots of passes thrown to tight ends by the Broncos
Cowboys - Parcells + Phillips = A great coach with a shitty attitude being replaced by a shitty coach with a great attitude!
TO + quiet offseason - spotlight + Drew Rosenhaus = Oh, let's say by week 5 he'll be saying that he wishes Joe Namath was his QB instead of Romo
DWare + Wade Phillips schemes + a few illegal supplements = NFC's Shawn Merriman
Vikings + Peterson + Taylor + Moore = Wait, did our QB even attempt a pass in the 1st 3 weeks of the season?
Vikings + QB situation + fans = Let me get this straight, is our QB named Tito Jackson?
Texans + Schaub - Carr = Same shit, different QB
David Carr + Panthers + Jake Delhomme's inconsistentcy - the Shitty offensive line in Houston = Guarentee that David Carr has a better year than his namesake Lloyd Carr
Falcons - Vick + Harrington = 1st pick in NFL Draft 2008 (Brian Brohm)
Falcons + Brohm = FUCK YOU PETRINO YOU LYING BASTARD ASSHOLE!!!!!
Dogs - life + electricution + rape stand = Mike Vick learning what it is like to be someone's bitch
Steelers - Cowher + Tomlin = nothing cause Big Ben still sucks
Bengals + 88 days since last arrest = a new record
Browns + Brady Quinn + Joe Thomas = Irrelevant. The Browns will be as bad as Notre Dame is this year.
Arizona + optimism + Leinart + great receivers + new coach = Do I even have to say, 5-11, just like every year.
SF + Trendy pick to make the playoffs = a pissed off Seattle team that wants revenge and respect
Brady - Mohnayhan + baby + Giselle - freedom + media spotlight = Who cares about football or his baby, he has had his cock in Gisele's mouth!!!
Jets + Sopranos = Don Eric Mangini having Belichick whacked!
Rams + Lions + Dolphins + Bills + Titans + Raiders + Chiefs + Redskins = Not worth talking about
Ravens + McNair being a year older + D being a year older = I'm really not sure!
Grossman + pressure = my favorite football player in the world. Thank you Rex for the Superbowl. Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!
Packers - Green + another year of Favre being Farve = Retire you old selfish bastard!!!
Chucky + Shit year for Bucs again this year + 5 years since Superbowl win = You are fired Chucky!! And you did it all with a team that Dungy built you coattail riding little gross faced geek!!
Panthers + pick to win NFC + Delhomme = Why won't we ever learn? This team is a bigger cocktease than either of the Olsen twins before they became legal!
Giants - Tiki + Eli growing some balls = Nothing because Coughlin is still the biggest douchebag in the league!
Football + Madden on TV = a guarentee than 8 stupid things will be said on TV tonight and Sunday night
Eagles + Owners + Reid = 11 wins, just like every other year
Saints = NFC Champs
Chargers = Superbowl Champs
That's all for now, bitches. Enjoy the football tonight, Sunday, and Monday. I'll be back in the middle of next week for more (and much funnier) NFL Math.
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